It’s no secret that a divorce can be a difficult time for everyone involved, including children who have little to no control over the situation. Nobody likes to feel powerless. But rather than viewing your child as the victim of a divorce, a more positive way to approach it is to focus on your child’s rights, both moral and legal. You can think of these rights as goals to work towards when you are going through your separation or divorce. It is often an area that parents are confused about when meeting as me, as their family lawyer.
Without getting bogged down in legal speak, all Australian children have the right to:
- Having a meaningful relationship with both parents; and
- That children are safe and protected from harm, abuse, and family violence.
Often parents talk about their own “rights”- as if the children are property, and they have a right to their children. The family law system does not see it in this way. The language of the legislation is that children have the right to have a meaningful relationship with his/her parents; it is not the other way around. Parents can often fight over ‘access’ to their children, but the law views it from the point of the child.
Maintaining a relationship with both parents is vital to a child’s emotional and psychological development, especially in their earliest years. It may not be easy, but if you can remember to approach talks with your ex with your child’s best interests in mind, it can have long-term benefits for your child. Child focused is the key.
♥ Children’s Views
A child’s living arrangements should be negotiated between parents; children should never be put in the situation of choosing which parent to live with, and should never be made to feel guilty.
Parents should also consider their children’s needs and desires, and attempt to accommodate them where possible; but remember, you are the adult, and the decision making is your responsibility. As upset or angry as you may feel, chances are your child is feeling the same, and they may not always communicate verbally. Listen and look out for the signals your child is sending to you.
If your matter proceeds to court, and if a child is old enough, the legal system can in some circumstances, take into account the views and opinions expressed by the child, and depending on the age and maturity of the child, give their opinion some weight.
♥ Children should enjoy the love of both parents without having excessive demands placed on them by either parent
Occasionally, there can be a tendency to expect more from children during a separation, or after a separation. Parents can, often subconsciously, put their child in a position where they feel they have to protect their parents or choose between them. A child should experience stability, predictability, and routine. A clear visitation schedule should be explained to the child so they know what to expect and when to expect it.
Children should never be asked to act as the ‘messenger’ between parties. If you are unsure at all, try thinking about the situation from your child’s perspective. You would want to know when you were seeing your other parent, and you would want to feel comfortable and relaxed in having a conversation about this. If you feel uncomfortable in your child’s shoes, it is likely they do too.
♥ Positive role modelling
For example, keeping pictures of both parents in your child’s bedroom is an easy way to let them know that their parents still love them, and that both parents are still available to them, and will continue to be there for them, even though mummy and daddy have separated.
Parents should resist the urge to ‘badmouth’ the other party; negative language and attitudes toward the other parent encourages the same behaviour from the child, and can hurt the child. I often see this as an issue at changeovers and handovers; these times are usually high conflict, tense, and emotional for both parents and children, but especially for children it can be tumultuous, upsetting and confusing, particularly in the early stages of the separation. Something as simple as a couple of minute’s idle chat with each other when picking up your child can go a long way toward encouraging your child to view changeover and handover as a safe, happy, and harmonious time.
Children should not be exposed to unhealthy conflict and arguments, and family violence.
Children are sensitive to conflict within their family and it puts children at risk of behavioural and emotional problems in later life.
Parents should consider seeking the support of other adults rather than their children during a separation, to ensure the child does not feel responsible for their parent’s wellbeing, and to avoid feelings of guilt, hurt, or anxiety.
Of course, all families are different, and children’s reactions toward a separation or divorce can vary enormously depending on their age and circumstances. For advice on what to expect from your children at different stages of their development, have a look at our previous blog post here.
Remember, if you are separating and are looking for family law advice, options or mediation services to help ensure a smooth and nurturing transition for your child we are here to help. If you would like to know how to apply the Best Interests of the Children in your particular family circumstances, you can contact us here for a no-obligation consultation.
We want to work with you: choose us as your family lawyer or family mediator.
I am the Principal Lawyer and Mediator of CLEON Legal and Mediation Services. I am living my truest purpose when working with my clients. It is such an important role that I do not take lightly- thank you to all my clients for allowing me to live out my dream, and to future clients, I look forward to working with you and helping you put your life back together- and by me helping you, I am helping myself. I am at my happiest when I do the work I love.
If you would like to separate respectfully and peacefully and are looking for family law or domestic violence legal advice and options or family mediation services, send me an email info@cleonlegal.com.au to arrange an Initial Consultation, or contact us here.
Whilst I am based in North Queensland, I offer virtual services- it does not matter where you are in Australia, you deserve quality legal advice and support, and I can offer this to you. I am committed to reaching as many people as possible to create amazing and profound outcomes in the legal profession. In order to do my work which is my calling, I need to work beyond Townsville and North Queensland. It is my dream to serve you.
