You are now separated. What will the next chapter of your life look like?
You have separated so you organise a meeting with a family lawyer: you want to know what your legal rights are about the children and the marital split of property. Your lawyer will give you that advice – and you will leave informed – you will learn about the best interests of the children principles and the four step process for property, and the limitation periods.
Underlying all of this is you wanting to achieve something much larger than knowing which parent is taking the kids to soccer practice, and how much superannuation you are getting. This is important (obviously),but let’s go deeper and bigger than this.
I always ask my client big picture questions (in mediation and in the non dispute resolution space this is called ‘interest based questions’). “What is it you are trying to achieve? and I will usually get a response such as “to spend time with my children”, but I say, “no, beyond that. What do you want. What do you really want. What do you want your life to look like for you?”
Let’s tease this out. What is it that you want? Obviously you want to make arrangements for the children, and to sort out your property. But underneath all that, and once that is all sorted, what is it that you are trying to achieve to seek? I will say to the client, “you are seeking predictability aren’t you? What about routine?” and the responses I generally get “Yes. I want to know where the children will be this weekend”, so again I will try to dig a little deeper and might say something like “it sounds like you are looking for predictability… underneath all that, what does that represent for you? Is it peace and freedom?” At this point, the client usually gets a twinkle in their eye – and I will get a nodding face, with tears in their eyes “yes, I want peace.”
This is generally a profound moment for a client who has lived through domestic violence, and has felt that they have had no say in their own life, or has been so worn down, that they were told they were “too stupid” to have a say and make decisions. I am here to tell you that you are the expert in your life. You can live the life you want. I can support you, but you are ultimately the leader and expert of your life.
Peace is to live a light free of conflict, and to know how your life will look – to be able to control that. Freedom to start again. Separate. Living life on your own terms.
I want you to visualise this. There must have been a reason for the separation – you must be imagining your new life. What does it look like? If you do not know what it looks like, you owe it to yourself to think about what it should look like. You have a fundamental right to happiness and living the life you want.
I like to call it life design and life creation. Others may call it visualisation. Whatever the title, the message is this: you have the chance again to live the life you want. On your terms. What a liberating and exciting feeling! I feel happy just writing this out!
Here is a little case study. Let’s take this example: a client comes in for an Initial Consultation. After our meeting, the client feels empowered and has a sense of hope- I help the client recognise that there is another life available to them other than what is currently playing out. How can we help achieve this hope? We tease out the big picture matters:-
Some tips:
- For example: If there is a history of domestic violence and our client is receiving a voluminous amount of calls and text messages about matters not relating to the children;
- We can seek a Non-Contact Order through a Domestic Violence Order (are you imagining a life right now where you do not feel harassed, and on edge all the time?);
- We may suggest you organise an alternative number for the other parent to contact the children on (this creates space for you and puts boundaries in place. Could this give you the sense of relief and distance from the other parent that you so badly want and need?);
- We may suggest you download an Online Communication Book to discuss children’s matters only- this creates a barrier for you from receiving messages on your personal mobile phone – here you are creating boundaries. You can use an Online Communication Book such as ‘Talking Parents’ to share information about the children, have a shared calendar to pop the children’s appointments into, and updates about schooling and sporting activities (without the need to have direct communication with the other parents). Sound good?
- Help you come up with parenting arrangements so a plan is in place that creates routine, predictability and minimises future conflict between you and the other parent. Some families need more rigidity and ‘rules’ than others. This depends on your personal circumstances. Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to have to sort out parenting arrangements every weekend and argue with your former spouse because it is already sorted out for you? Is this giving you a sense of freedom? Can you breathe a sigh of relief?
These are some tips on different things we can try to do to help you achieve peace and freedom after separation. This is probably one of the hardest things you have ever been through.
You deserve to collaborate with people and professionals that care about your needs, and your higher needs to help you feel a sense of self-actualisation – so you can live the best life you deserve and want.
